@JoshTheTofu, I believe what is causing all your problems is directly related to your consumption of tofu. Your computer being an ex-Windows machine is likely infested by all manner of Microsoft Clippy Gremlins. These nasty M$ Gremlins are well known for consuming Tofu, which they bring back to wherever they are inhabiting ATM.
These nasty tofu eating Gremlins are known to be rather messy eaters. Therefore they often tend to clog up your CPU’s heat sink, fans and ventilation ports with their cached tofu they’ve pilfered. Also, any moving parts such as optical dives or mechanical hard drives are particularly succeptible to having their spindles gummed up by this tofu exudate that the Gremlins manage to get into the tiniest of spaces.
So, your problems will all be solved if you’d quit bringing that nasty faux food that is fit for nothing but Gremlins into your home. Please for the love of God, have pity on your electronics and desist from tofo consumption immediately (if not sooner).
Glad I could be of assistance.
